Monday, May 25, 2009

Times I've been a Douche

Ask Dan.

Episode 2: "Times I've been a Douche"

Acting out the end scene from Se7en for Spin Magazine/XboX360

Dear readers,

as you may know I have asked you to send me your questions for me to answer. This could be an inquisitive tick, or an attempt to get my advice on something (which I will completely wing, but at least try to make humorous.)

here is this weeks question:

Dear Dan,

you seem like a a nice guy. your band seems like a nice band. your music is nice music for nice people! is this just an act to please fans or are you really a nice person?


Well first, Alex, let me start out by saying it is probably better to use a anonymous string of words, like "looking at pets" (LAP) or "Nice optimist marginalized" (NOM.) These keep you anonymous, as anonymity is part of the fun. Which is why your real name isn't Alex, but has been changed to protect the real Alex, from him or herself.

Now to your question. I would like to think that I am a nice, laid back, chill guy who does not take himself too seriously; thus being forever grateful for everything that has been placed upon myself and my life henceforth.

I would like to think that, and for the most part its true. But people fuck up. And I have been, on occasion, a douche. So instead of trying to prove how nice, cool, laid-back and self-consciously chill I am...I am going to bring up all of the times I have been a complete douchebag. Because I feel like in order to fully be that guy I want to be, I need to make amends. So let the waterfalls begin.

-When I was in second grade, I bragged about winning capture the flag so heinously that I got punch by my best friend, who was on the other team. Kinda a douche.

-When I had a crush on a girl in high school, I manipulated my way to her completely platonic heart by feeding information that I had secretly gained spying on her boyfriend. Pretty douche.

-A couple blogs ago, I said that JEDI sucked, that's pretty douchebag.

-I have an iPhone

-once, to get out of an awkward conversation, I pretended to get a phone call. Furthermore, I answered the phone and walked away and had a fake conversation with myself for about 5 minutes. Super douche.

-I considered downloading the iPhone application that faked phone calls for the above reason.

-Unable to successfully lie about my phone number to someone who wanted it, I wrote it down so messily that it would have taken hieroglyphic researchers a week to decipher. She managed to call. And it went to voice mail.

-I have a tendency to send genuine friends to voice mail because wii is just that much more important at the moment

-I can barely take care of a plant, never mind a hampster

-I will not correct your grammar, but I will consider it

-I have bad grammar myself and I hate when you correct it

-I am jealous that kids these days have such awesome toys. The coolest shit I had was legos and ghostbusters. I am not mocking legos or ghostbusters, but toys these days speak 5 languages and shoot back at you.

-If I had a million dollars, I would put a ball pit in my living room. Then donate.

-I run my air conditioner too much, and yet I am an environmentalist. I do not want global warming, but I also don't want ME warming. At least I don't drive.

So you see, there are times when I am a douche. The first step though is awareness, and these things I am aware of, and hope to change or at least make amends. Keep in mind, I take suggestions...

Submit your questions to @



  1. This was rather inspiring. I think your attitude to make ammends rather than self-loathe is spot on.

  2. haha its pretty cool you can say all that stuff about yourself. You seem pretty iight if you can do that.

  3. (Sorry Dan, but this is me being a douche. At least I recognize it, right?)

    "If I had a million dollars, I would put a ball pit in my living room" -Dan

    ^^Stolen from xkcd! Here's a link to prove it.

  4. Hm,

    stealing is a bit of a harsh word. I would say that a good amount of people want a ball pit in their living room.

  5. Point taken... what if I used the term "inspired"... though I guess I can't say if you were or weren't actually inspired by it...

    This has become one a doozey of a conundrum for me.